yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You pole danced in your parka.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
this hospital has no fireball
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
