your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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