Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
