Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
