Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think a kid would responsible me up
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
