I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
