Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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