Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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