she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
