the condom got lost in my hair
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
