I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
