I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
