ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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