Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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