i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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