the condom got lost in my hair
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
