I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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