my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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