I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
