Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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