the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
