you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
