My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
