I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
