I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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