I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
