i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
