im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
