There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Mom said you looked used
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
