If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
