i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
