Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
