he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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