i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
this boner is exhausting
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
