your parents love me but you hate me
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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