i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
