worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
