I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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