Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
