I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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