you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
