Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
