end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
