Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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