what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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