if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
