Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
