yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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