just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
