If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
