you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
